


High Wisdom, Low Intelligence

by Cactus_Is_Trash



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, BAMF Merlin (Merlin), But also, Crack, Druids, Everyone Thinks They're Together, Evil Morgana (Merlin), Gen, Humor, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Introspection, Lancelot has braincells, Meta, Oblivious Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Oblivious Merlin (Merlin), Sir Leon the Long Suffering, Smart Arthur Pendragon, but in a disney villain kinda way if that makes sense, can be read as gen or pre slash, it's a collection of short cracky scenarious what can i tell ya, it's technically not canon divergence which is the best part, the relationships between the characters is up to you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:08:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25179742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cactus_Is_Trash/pseuds/Cactus_Is_Trash
Summary: “Your prowess at the healing arts is also so awe-inspiring,” Merlin said, “what do those smoked herbs do?”In the corner one of the druids started coughing.“Uhh,” the cloaked figure in front of him finished the bandage, “they, well…”A druid from the corner chipped in, “Relax ya!”“Yeah, relax!” the other agreed quickly. “You gotta let you’re uh -muscles- rest sometimes.”They looked to the druids in the corner with a weird expression. Merlin supposed they were communicating with their minds.“So wise,” Merlin nodded sagely, “just like Gaius told me.”Or: What my mind comes up with at midnight after binging BBC Merlin and the only coherent thought I can have is, "They're All So Stupid." Everyone is both 100 times smarter and 100 time dumber than they are in canon. Basically a compilation of short, cracky scenarios set in different seasons of Merlin that are somehow completely unconnected, but all happening in the same universe.
Relationships: Gaius & Merlin (Merlin), Gwaine & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwaine & Leon (Merlin), Gwen & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Lancelot & Merlin (Merlin), Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Morgana & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 133





	High Wisdom, Low Intelligence

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for clicking on this despite the very hard to explain premise! Basically, don't take this too seriously. You can absolutely tell I wrote this at one in the morning. Enjoy!

**Sometime in Season 1 or 2**

_“If anyone finds out about your_ **_magic_ ** _, Merlin, you’ll be burned alive!”_

_“No one’s going to find out I’m a_ **_sorcerer_ ** _!”_

_“You still need to be more careful with your_ **_magic_ ** _!”_

_“I_ am _careful with my_ **_magic_ ** _!”_

Darren watched Greg fiddle with the strap of his gauntlet, “Do you think Merlin really has magic?”

Greg shook his head, “Nah, I still reckon they’re having us on.”

Darren looked down the hall to Gaius’ chambers and back at Greg.

“Are you sure?” he asked. “This is the seventh fight this month they’ve had about it.”

“If he truly had magic do you really think Gaius would be shouting about it for all to hear?” Greg said reasonably. “Gaius isn’t that stupid.”

“I guess you’re right…” Darren said. Gaius and Merlin doing their little prank about magic started out as good entertainment on his shift, but had quickly become a little repetitive over the months.

The two guards shifted awkwardly in silence.

“Any luck on the ghost haunting the barrels?” Darren asked.

“Oh don’t even get me started-“

* * *

**Sometime in Season 3**

“Morgana might be upset with you, father.”

Uther chuckled, “That’s ridiculous, Arthur.”

“She tried to stab you this morning.”

“She tripped into me, an honest mistake,” Uther waved to a nearby servant to leave the room.

“While holding a knife,” Arthur said slowly, as if Uther were simple.

“You know how Morgana is with her knives,” the king said flippantly.

Arthur spotted Morgana traveling down the hall.

“ _Morgana_?” he called his pseudo-sister.

“Yes Arthur?” she said.

“Are you upset with father?” the prince asked.

“Of course not,” Morgana said evilly with an even eviler smirk.

“See, evil smile,” Arthur pointed.

“That’s a terrible thing to say to your sis-Lady Morgana,” Uther said, “apologise at once.”

Arthur gaped in disbelief, “But father she-“

“Apologise,” Uther demanded.

Arthur grit his teeth, “… I’m sorry Morgana.”

“You’re forgiven,” Morgana grinned like a shark.

* * *

**Sometime in Season 4**

“Do you ever think about the Fisher King quest we were on?” Gwaine said, for once walking in front of the group with Arthur.

“You mean _my_ quest that you and Merlin _crashed_?” Arthur said.

“Yeah.”

“Not really,” Arthur said, using his sword to slash a branch. “There’s only so many near-death experiences and daring escapades that you can go through before you just stop thinking about them all.”

Gwaine smirked, “I feel the same way about _my_ daring escapades.”

“Why do I have a feeling we’re talking about different escapades?” Arthur deadpanned.

“No idea,” Gwaine said. “Anyway, did that little man say something about magic, strength, and courage to you as well?”

“Huh… yes he did,” Arthur said thoughtfully. “He thought my name was Courage,” he shook his head. “What a stupid name.”

“He called me Strength,” Gwaine said.

“... I wonder who Magic was,” Arthur mused.

From behind them a small thump hit the floor. Arthur didn’t even need to turn around to know Merlin had fallen over.

“ _Exactly_ -“ Gwaine jumped on the idea, “It’s been haunting for weeks, who could it possibly be?” 

“I have no idea,” Arthur whacked another branch. “I think the man was just batty, all magic users are.”

“I dunno.”

“I suggest you just forget about it,” Arthur said. “After a while you sort of stop thinking about all the weird magic stuff that goes on when you’re a knight of Camelot. If you didn’t you might start accusing… I dunno - _Merlin_ \- of sorcery. It just messes with your head.”

“Fair advice, princess.”

From behind him Arthur heard another louder, and more distressed, thump.

* * *

**Sometime in Season 2-4**

The light crackle of fire and twigs underfoot was a comforting sound. Nearby, Merlin could hear the playful giggles of children and whispers of elders. He felt far removed from all of it inside the strong-smelling tent. Natural daylight hit the carmine patterned fabric, making it glow red as a sunset.

His leg smarted as the white fabric wound it’s way over the skin.

The druids didn’t talk much as they worked. One dedicated themselves to Merlin’s bleeding shin and the others hovered in corners with smoking herbs. It was those herbs that the pungent smell came from. It made Merlin slightly dizzy.

“You guys seem to know a lot about the land,” Merlin said in conversation. He’d always been told the druids were a peaceful and worldly people. “It must be so wizening to learn about the earth and its connection to magic - how it’s in all things and creatures, within all of us, interconnecting us in a web of fate and destiny that I just so happen to be linked so closely to.”

The druid in front of Merlin took the rolled herbs out of their mouth and nodded, “Mm, exactly, man.”

“Your prowess at the healing arts is also so awe-inspiring,” Merlin said, “what do those smoked herbs do?”

In the corner one of the druids started coughing.

“Uhh,” the cloaked figure in front of him finished the bandage, “they, well…” 

A druid from the corner chipped in, “Relax ya!”

“Yeah, relax!” the other agreed quickly. “You gotta let you’re uh -muscles- rest sometimes.”

They looked to the druids in the corner with a weird expression. Merlin supposed they were communicating with their minds.

“So wise,” Merlin nodded sagely, “just like Gaius told me.”

* * *

**Sometime in Season 1**

Roderick shuffled towards the side of the king’s throne with hesitance. He had lost the bet with Barb about who had to deliver Sir Leon’s special report. 

“Prince Arthur went on a death-defying quest to save the life of his manservant again,” he said slowly, like one would approach a dangerous wild animal. 

“I see,” the king said coolly.

By the time the ordeal was over the hem of Roderick’s shirt would be worried to threads.

“And the manservant laid down his life for him just after when Arthur put himself in danger,” he added in the silence. 

The king contemplated this for a moment.

“Is the servant dead?” he asked in much the same tone.

“No,” Roderick said, “they managed to escape together mostly unharmed.”

He’d seen the two bickering all the way to Gaius’ chambers.

“How many is that now?” Uther asked, sounding almost tired.

“Eighth time this month, sire,” Roderick gulped.

The king squinted in thought, “… Do you think Arthur would notice if I killed the servant off and replaced him with George?”

Roderick thought of the time the prince abandoned his station at Camelot to help out his manservant in his hometown, defying his father’s direct orders.

“Unfortunately, sire,” he confessed.

“Darn…” the king said. “I suppose if he marries a woman in the end it doesn’t matter though.”

Roderick felt that was not a comment for his ears, “Of course, sire.”

* * *

**Sometime in Season 1**

“So what you’re saying is it’s my destiny to protect Arthur so he can unite Albion and bring magic back to the land as the Once and Future King even though at the moment his father is still king, Arthur believes magic to be evil, Morgana is apparently going to turn evil, that druid boy is destined to kill Arthur, and I have to hide my magic from almost everyone I love, including the man I have to protect?”

“Yes,” the dragon said.

“And if I do all that everyone will live happily ever after and magic will finally be unbanned, Arthur will live as king, and I’ll be able to be myself?” Merlin asked.

The dragon hummed, “… Sure.”

“Alrighty then, can’t argue with that.”

* * *

**Sometime in Season 5**

“Do you believe in destiny, Arthur?” Merlin asked, leaning next to Arthur on a castle balcony.

The wind tousled the two men’s hair as it swirled past them. Pinks and purples lit up the sky as the sun slowly went to rest. It was hard for them to come by a moment of peace.

“Nah.”

“… What?”

“Destiny is a fool's word for the future he fears and adores. It’s a wise man’s way of leading new blood to shape the reality he desires. What one calls destiny, the other calls inevitability based on fact and circumstance. Destiny is a self-fulfilling-prophecy, as those who know it will obsess until it comes to fruition - for glory or destruction - and those who know of it not will never be bothered, and thus the destiny is null and void, and it matters not if it was correct as there is no one alive to attest to it.”

Merlin shifted uncomfortably, “… I think destiny is pretty neat.”

Arthur sighed, “Of course you do, Merlin.”

* * *

**Sometime in... really any season**

“Have you ever tried… _not_ trying to kill Arthur?” Merlin asked, hands up in a placating gesture.

The sorcerer in front of him glared harder.

“Arthur Pendragon’s father has slaughtered our kind for decades,” they said, “made us run and hide like animals, live in fear for all our lives, robbed us of our brothers and sisters and created a hatred among our community that you could never even begin to-“

“Yeah, that’s Uther’s thing,” Merlin said. “What did Arthur do again?”

The sorcerer looked a little taken aback, their staff tilting towards the ground slightly. But then their eyes relit with renewed fury.

“He enforces his father’s rules without mercy,” they spat, “he follows like a blind puppy and bites like a rabbit dog-“

“I mean, I guess…” Merlin shrugged, unconvinced.

The sorcerer stared, uncomprehendingly, “What are you talking about?”

“Well” Merlin started, “… Uther’s the one that banned you guys in the first place… why not just… try kill him instead of his son?”

The sorcerer blinked at him. They didn’t seem to have thought about that before.

“A-Arthur’ll just keep the ban going!” they protested. “Once he learns his father has been killed by magic-“

“Make it look like an accident,” Merlin suggested. “You have magic, I’m sure you can do it.”

“E-even then he’ll still-“

“Then prove to him he doesn’t need to? Maybe? What was your plan after killing Arthur anyway. Uther would still be king.”

“When he’s weak with grief I’ll-“

Merlin sighed, “You’re really set on killing Arthur, huh?”

“Yes,” the sorcerer said with conviction.

“Damn,” Merlin muttered, “oh well, maybe someone’ll listen to me one day.”

“What’re you-“

Merlin shot out a magical blast and the sorcerer was no more.

* * *

**Sometime in Season 3**

“Do you ever think Lady Morgana and Merlin are upset at each other?” 

Arthur glanced at Guinevere, swirling his wine, “What would they have to be upset about?”

“I think they may have had a falling out,” the maid sighed fretfully. 

Arthur snorted, “Was there anything to fall out of in the first place?”

“I’m not sure,” Gwen said, “but they were certainly friendlier before Morgana was captured.”

“Maybe Morgana finally turned Merlin down for good,” Arthur muttered into his drink.

“You think they were courting?” Gwen asked.

“I hope not,” Arthur said, “I already told Merlin to stay away.”

Gwen’s mouth pursed in worry, “I just hope they can get past whatever they’re fighting about.”

Arthur nodded, sympathetic to his friend. He’d been on Morgana’s bad side quite a bit. “For Merlin’s sake I hope so. Morgana can be exceedingly vengeful.”

The pair went back to watching Merlin and Morgana glare at each other from opposite sides of the event hall.

* * *

**Sometime in Season 4**

Leon sat on the grass and enjoyed the feeling of resting his aching limbs. Arthur had run them into the ground in training that day. He was probably mad at Merlin for some reason.

“… I bet Arthur and Merlin are fucking,” Gwaine said.

Leon scoffed, “Way ahead of you, Gwaine.”

He shifted a bit and brought out a long, old piece of parchment.

“Is that…” Gwaine stared at it. “How dare you keep such a betting pool from me.”

“It was supposed to be secret,” Leon said, looking at the long list of names and figures, “but at this point almost the entire guard is in on it.”

“What have you put bets on?”

“I bet they started warming each other's beds a month after Merlin was instated as manservant,” Leon said, gesturing to his 20 silver wager inscribed on the paper.

“Only a month?” Gwaine said in disbelief.

“Sir Kay bets they were at it since the very first day they met.”

“Is it true Arthur offered to teach Merlin how to walk on his knees?"

"Painfully so."

* * *

**Sometime in Season 1 or 2**

“Sire?”

“Yes?”

“I- er- I come with some concerning news.”

Arthur placed down his work and looked up, “What is it?”

The servant in front of him shifted uncomfortably, “I believe that your manservant, Merlin, might… well…”

Arthur tensed at his servant’s name, “Spit it out.”

“I believe him to be a sorcerer,” the boy said quickly.

Arthur was silent for a moment.

Then he snorted, “That’s ridiculous, I would know if Merlin was a sorcerer.”

“But- but-“ the boy stammered.

“I understand how it must seem magical he’s such a fool,” Arthur said, “but he is not a sorcerer. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t spout such nonsense in my father’s presence. I doubt he’d realise Merlin too inept to study magic until he was already burning at the stake.”

“O-oh course sire.”

* * *

**Sometime in Season 4**

Lancelot leant back on the grassy forest floor. It was so calming to be with nature. After so any years roaming the land, training his skills, he had come to see it as a second home. More beautiful yet, were the wonderful blue butterflies shimmering from Merlin’s hands.

“Run me through what the dragon said about your destiny again,” Lancelot said to break the silence. 

Merlin had finally decided to tell him the details of his placement in Camelot. Before, Lance was content to simply trust Merlin and keep his secret, but now Merlin wanted to share even his destiny. He had the most to say about his first day in Camelot and the dragon that set him on his path.

“He said that it was my destiny to protect Arthur,” Merlin said soberly, “until he claims the crown and brings back magic to all of Albion. That I’m one side of a coin and Arthur is the other, our destinies intertwined. And when I told him Arthur hated me that first day he said that one can’t hate the half which makes it whole.”

Lancelot’s suspicions latched onto that last bit, “… Half of what makes you whole?”

“I mean…” Merlin raised an eyebrow, “yeah?”

“I’m not saying this is an accurate interpretation,” Lancelot said slowly, “but… it sounds like he’s saying you’re soulmates.” 

Merlin looked scandalised.

“Not necessarily romantic!” Lancelot assured him. “Just, the whole- two sides, being joined by destiny, being whole with each other just… reads kinda like that.”

“N-no,” Merlin denied, “no it’s not like that… I mean… uh…”

Merlin stared off into space for a moment before, “ _Shit_.”

Lancelot pat his friend on the back sympathetically, “Don’t worry Merlin. I’m sure it’ll work out in the end.”

**Author's Note:**

> I am very impressed you made it to the end, but thank you nonetheless! Don't be shy- drop a comment or a Kudos if you liked it! Like a specific scenario? Just wanna scream at me? All is welcome! Please click this [link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1a-lzdtxOlWuzYNGqwlYwxMWADtZ6vJGCpKhtJHHrS54/edit) to educate yourself on matters of BLM and police brutality. Stay safe and stay aware guys!


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